Off Of You

Off Of You

I searched for this closure so many times, and honestly I’m not afraid to let go. I did this before but I let you come back in, and I played myself. I thought you’d change for you and not just to impress me. In agony of trying to forget what we shared but I never could. I don’t want to continue to stay here and be depressed over a man who makes these promises just to keep me here ! Waiting like a fool and I refuse to do this any longer. I have been dragged and humiliated when I needed you the most.

They don’t know how many times behind closed doors in agony . I had never cried so much and felt so empty; and you’ve taken the best parts of me and you still didn’t think it  was enough. And I feel so dumb , investing in someone who never changed. Your ways of confusion and issues became my own and I lost myself. I only became a product of you , and you took whatever I had left in my soul. I have been broken since I met you for years. 

Opaque

Opaque

I couldn’t forget the thoughts. 

Drives me crazy especially at 3am.

It  was only me who fell abrupt . 

Promises only charmed me so far. I think it’s weird how we meet many people in our life , and they leave the biggest impact on your life. But only fate chooses if they stay or leave. Make you the happiest or broke you. But why is it  … when everything seems to be crashing in flames , the universe sends you a person exactly what you needed. Theres no rule book to how we come in contact with our little blessings, so we take what we can . Some accept half of the blessing, probably distraught is what keeps them. And these people come and change your energy , your process , but why?

I’ve questioned this so many times. “Why is it that we take anything we can get to survive this mess?”, we don’t care about the consequences if we accept it  , we love unwillingly. We give back a piece of us to them. Transferring energy , in love .

2 AM

2 AM

Broken records of old love stories seemed to play in a loop. Honestly, either I’m madly in love or blind to the fact this may never be the love story I imagined. The story any woman would imagine but blind to the fact that you only get bits and pieces before you get your happy ending. 

How unfair is that ? To be madly in love with the one who will barely show you a smile without dimming your light. To be called beautiful but yet treat you so ugly. Showing the ways of how passion burns hate that can swiftly glimpse love felt. I loved this man in despite the torments my mind looped at 2 AM. Only to become well aware of my inner peace but my place of comfort was not home. Instead I followed my heart into a home of deception of what love offered me in this man. But see , this man was like my sun. I’d follow him to the ends of the earth if I created my own fate. As we were designed to be, but still searching.

Suicide : Dear Self

Suicide : Dear Self

I’m not sure if you’ve taken the time to analyze your life in whole. Im not sure if you know there is more to life than pain, and I know you may not think so. You are loved and cherished in ways many people could never see. You are light when those who are conflicted trust you to assist them. You are admirable , and special ; please don’t let the sorrow overshadow the truth.

You were never this way. That man you met hurt you a lot , and I Know . He gave you a chance to see love in a different light. And I know you believed he would be the one for you but how many guys have come and showed you this different light? And how many times did this light stay in your life without you out-shining your own love. 

I know you are sad when you have touching moments of silence. I know I cant change what my past laid out for me; and I know the hands that you were dealt nearly killed you. But you survived; and I see you hanging by a thread , acting as if one more step and I could fall . Im here to tell you , you can touch the ground. You are not floating from above, you are alive and breathing! You still feel ! And I know it  sucks but you can still live and move on. 

For whenever you have these silent thoughts or the outbursts of pain .. Do not give in to the darkness you hear. 

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

Intuition peaks every dawn .

It  was only a moment ago , I pondered in silence. 

I practiced this ritual most days and wondered off into the abyss of clouds. 

One can only spend so much time alone , existence of self . An intuition of peace overshadows the doubt and the bearing weightless numbness. 

How can a person survive or thrive in the abyss of silence.. still. Ongoing of transgressions of hate , acceptance of rebirth. 

Can you recall your rebirth ? Intuition of peace . Acceptance ?

Channeling the feelings of transparency .  A change can be sought after . How much of the old you , parts of your soul remaining only into pieces. Can you choose life over death at the end of shallow misfortunes , the thought always pondered. 

The end was near of unanticipated death. The death of one’s old journey , only to be a fate memory. A stranger to a new dawn.

 Bloomed so beautifully , she seen.

The end was near .

Affliction

Affliction

Emotionless in the face of pain. No one heard the screams of help. 

Suffocated in waves of anxiety. Misfortunes flourishing in her eyes. 

They filled with tears —  

Long expressions of arousal only through pain and suffering . Images of a savior often appeared freely , flowing thoughts of “Save me please .. Save me “. If anyone could hear these thoughts of sorrow , the light would dim in which they approved of her in.  

This secret she kept felt as if everyone knew. Her shame and sorrow nurtured in her quest to follow the intuition of flooded memories and feelings— All she could replay just to stop the voices and the pain of unwanted desires. She often found herself attuned in the face of affliction. Desirable , a thrill of joy just for a short moment , she knew life existed but never where she settled. To live in her thrills , caused affliction in ways in which became unrecognizable. Prayers of chilling tears accumulated through times of silence and self… “save me , help me , you can give up and it  will be okay . You know you prefer it  better this way