I woke up feeling a way. I planned out my things so clearly & now I don’t know wether to look at you or choose myself . My heart is so pure mostly and I know its used for personal gain. If I call them out , why do I feel like I’m the enemy. I had someone show me myself but I never believed that I could be her. Doubting everything when it comes to love now; and no I’m not cold. I’m just tired. I’ve disconnected but a somber reality hits me in the peaks of my days. It’s time to let go but I can’t do it alone. Being cold is not my true language, but fuck it . I need to be a different breed, all love.
And please . Remember like you said , I was the only woman to ever make you feel like this . In the end I wish you would’ve handled this with more care . And everyone knows that . Remember how you treated me , and I truly hope one day you understand and feel this to the fullest extent and you too will say I deserve better too .
No broken promises or unreliable people . No more energy vampires , beggars or leaches. Because within my own confinement it was safe . I experienced a destined fate of humiliation for being aware and present . In return I would instead give blindly to the idea of acceptance . Somewhere along the line acceptance became my identity . And fear became my new language . Landing me the hands on deception continuously . This vicious cycle of hate and fear quickly progressed into anger itself . It manifested , almost ingrained in my mental of the scars I endured . Shameful to speak of the mistreatment of myself . The abuse of instigated love affairs . Leaving me in a state of turmoil .
This ‘ain no sad love story . Rather a mind of choices . Conflicted in the sea of emotions that seemed endless . These broken promises and unreliable people still appeared to toil and prey on my fears . It’s sickening but it’s my experience . Leaving me in a state of turmoil , my soul rested in confinement .
I find ease in the ways of my intellect. Suckling the nectar of knowledge, indulging in silence. It helped to ease discomfort in transgressions with life.Putting together a masterpiece in understanding what needs to be done and how it will be done.
I haven’t fully understood the mind.
Expressions of fear seeped through all I wanted. I just needed to feel grounded, because I noticed of sense of death. I was scared that it felt near way too often.
Was it near or did I call its name..
Did I imagine the symphonic death of ones existence, connectivity disfigured amongst souls? I wanted to give up, there was no one here to save me. I felt so alone.. scared of existence of peace. I had been without for so long , floating just seemed to feel easier. Watching over oneself’s mistakes, and comfortably meditating on her prayers.
No one heard a thing.
Expressions of fear had torn through my soul. I was blinded by darkness, infatuated with numbness. I felt the presence of a savior.. an intuition of self.